Edu who once attended my church is a really cute and unrepentant community penis. Well, we became very good friends, when he discovered that all his attempts to knack me fell on deaf ears. So just like one other friend of mine like that, he started calling me Aburo. In other words, frustration make am friend zone me by force. Dear Shola, Aburo kee you dia!
As early as 2010, Edu had gained the reputation of a professional man hoe. His whoring lifestyle was legendary. His stock in trade was about promising different gullible females marriage or true love, and collecting platform to knack very mercilessly.
As usual, after knacking, he will use serviette to clean mouth and pretend like nothing happened. Issokay. Around 2012, he met this babe who appeared a little older , but also wealthier than the normal ones he had been knacking. According to him, babe was old and ugly, but her money was a motivator. Very big one!
Then, babe would always take him out, buy him clothes, shoes and food stuff, then go down to his house to wash his clothes, curtains and bedspreads and also clean up the entire house. When Aunty finishes her wife material chores, she go come enter kitchen, cook better food to complete the whole package.
As usual, after Edu was done devouring free home made meal, he would set Aunty on the bed and mount her like one of those horses in Game of Thrones. They will knack and knack, till thy kingdom come.
Two months later, babe called him to explain that she was three weeks pregnant and that he needed to come see her parents immediately for their marriage introduction, as her family has a name to protect, and abortion isn’t an option.
Edu almost fainted. According to him, blood stopped circulating in his brain. My friend off totally. E do am like film trick. He couldn’t believe he impregnated the old cargo. What would he tell his mother? So he decided to flee his apartment. He begged Aunty to give him a little time to break the news to his parents and convince them to let him wed her. He also went ahead to assure Aunty of his love for her which was actually proportional to the way Nigerian government owes workers. Very unbreakable sontin! Aunty felt flattered and agreed. Not knowing that guy man wan run am better street. After Edu finished lifting Aunty’s spirit, Aunty became so happy that she intensified her coming to his house. The waka enter everyday things.
She started buying more foodstuffs with her savings, cooking and cleaning like never before. Washing nko? Aunty turn professional dry cleaner! Before Edu came back from work, his laundry was already done and dusted. Such suffer head wife material fa! Normally, Edu would have been happy with all this developments, but considering the fact that Aunty was pregnant, he got more confused and angry by the day. Nothing she ever did interested him again. Her well cooked meals began to repulse him. Her presence haunted him.
More annoying was the fact that Aunty started scattering pant, bra, hairnet and hair brush in strategic places of his house. As per bride to be na. She will even leave all her earrings ontop DVD player. My friend wan die. He couldn’t even confront Aunty. Because the bible says thou shall respect thy elders. All Oga could pray for, was a day of escape from such torture.
God answered his prayers and that day came. Aunty wasn’t around. Edu had already planned with his partner in crime who also doubled as his neighbor, to help him get a truck to move his belongings out of the compound. He called Aunty to confirm her location. “I’m just leaving the market. I went to buy things for your favorite soup.” Aunty replied joyously. Edu who was struck by fear, ordered her to go back to the market and buy him a mop stick and a broom because he wanted a change of cleaning agents in their house. Aunty went back to the market to scout for mop and broom to sweep her future husband’s house, not knowing Edu used all that cleaning agent shit to buy time so that he can comfortably rid the house of his properties.
According to Edu’s neighbor, She came back home with joy in her heart and foodstuffs in her bag, plus mop and broom to continue her Operation Keep The House Clean, brought out her key to open the door, but the door opened by itself. Ha! Aunty checked around for robbery alert, Nothing. then looked inside the house. It was empty!!! She raised alarm, and ran upandan the entire compound, until she was told that Sonofabitch had packed all his belongings and vanished.
Me: (inserts Aiye leeeeo Ibosi oooo disc.)
Fast forward to 2016.
Edu met one Edo babe laidat. They started dating. He promised her marriage too. Very fine girl! So she moved in with him. One day, babe came back home earlier than expected to catch him knacking another babe. What a waawu! After all the loving up and getting down? Issokay! Funny enough, Aunty didn’t even act pissed. She just came inside, dropped her bag, greeted them, and proceeded to the kitchen to cook. The two horny bastards later found their way out of the house themselves.
That evening, Edu returned, babe served him food. He couldn’t believe it. He became so sober he had to beg for her forgiveness, without stress, she agreed! Hian! He got scared. Which kain winsh be this na? She no even vex. Is she a woman at all? Hope she no be transgender?
Well he continued enjoying the attention babe was dishing. At some point, he started falling in love o. True love for that matter! He started taking babe on dates, buying her stuff, etc. He proposed to her, she agreed! Wow! He used his savings to buy her an engagement ring. She collected. What a lurv!!!
Then work called…
Edu traveled to another branch of his office and stayed there for three days. He came back to meet an empty house. In other words, before he got back, babe had cleared his entire house, and carted away every single property of his, down to his clothes and shoes. While gisting me, I was doing Ehyaa like a good geh. I was busy forming sympathetic ndi mmuo. When the real thing Penocrat baby was singing in her mind was; “Aiye leeeo ibosi ooo. Aiye dorikodo ko ye mi moo o….
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