Wakaabouts Of Penocrat: Naija No Dey Carry Last

Hello folks, welcome to our regular Tuesday tonic, Wakaabouts of Penocrat, with our regular columnist Penocrat. Today, her post is a humorous spin on a personal attempted kidnap frame up incident. She also shares with us a life tip in her regular irreverent fashion. Read laugh and be entertained

My people, this world is not my home. In fact, you people should coman carry your Nigeria, I want to go back to my village. Tueh!!!

So a young girl who lives on our street with her guardian came to knock on our door with her parents and the ugly guardian sef. She explained that my dad had earlier attempted to kidnap her, if not for divine intervention.

Everybody shock o. My Papa weak. Me just dey one corner freeze. Na mumsy save us o. She started asking questions: “Young lady when did this happen? The girl mentioned a date.

A date my parents traveled together to the village…
My mama laugh. “How manage? We weren’t even around.” Na so the geh continue the explanation.
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The girl replied;” your husband kidnap me with motor that day o.when my aunty been send me message go Umuagu.E be like say him wan rape me sha. I beg am, e no gree. I beg am make him leave me. He say e go slap me.I begin dey cry. So one spirit come enter me. Immediately I just get mind, come begin dey shout Jesus Jesus Jesus!!! As I shout am, Na so the motor stop for St Bridgis Road automatically. As the man wan come down check wetin happen, Na so I open door run.”

My mother screamed. For me, it was like film trick. To talk sef, hard me fa. My mother continued; “Young lady, you have the wrong people. I was with my husband on that date.

“Na lie you no dey there! ” the girl exclaimed.

My Mama and her life support chill…she just provoke. She no send anybody sef. She tear the girl one mortuary -standard- atomic slap., and replied in her calm teacher’s voice;”Don’t you ever term me a liar.”
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The girl people begin shout. Her mama vex.”Madam no dey beat my pikin o. Your husband has done enough. Beating no go intimidate am. She must talk the truth.”

At that point, I knew that handshake had crossed the elbow. E don enter ijakija. Clap sef don begin enter dance. Alkayida for that matter. Popsy made some calls. We involved the police. When they heard that the police were on their way, they started demanding for money to treat their daughter. According to her father, she was traumatized as a result of the incident. She has been living in fear too. She can no longer sleep well.

My mama Na Lagos woman. Ibile for that matter. She look the girl with vex; ” so small pikin like you dey do this kain thing?Ha! K’oni daa fun e.” The guardian come interfere. She went: ” see ehn, we are all one. There is no reason involving the police. Let’s just foot these girl’s treatment bills and move on. Leave police matter.”

Mumsy smiled.” So this wan that just finished running mouth like tap is under shock too??? Do you have any idea what it means to be traumatized? So Na money Una dey find? No! kidnap is a bad thing. its an offence!Let’s get justice. Let’s go to court. If anyone should be treated for shock, it should be the members of my family. With the Level of the offence you tabled, What you people should strive to get is justice.”

The police arrived. They began questioning the babe. Story come change. The girl became disorganized. Umuagu became Okpanam Road. The date of the incident became different. She didn’t even know the color or type of the vehicle. She became at loss for words. The parents too started fidgeting and acting up. Them begin dey form vex. Then they started demanding for money. They said they don’t want trouble. All they needed was twenty thousand naira to treat their daughter’s shock.

The policemen said no amount can be equated to justice. They explained to them that justice was better. So they told them to accompany them to the station, to make a statement.

“Ha! So common twenty thousand naira you people cannot pay? Na wa o. ERM officer let us go and cure our daughter’s shock. We will be back. ” the girl father said. Immediately, they all got up in unison and hurried out of our house… They get luck say them no arrest them. Tufia!

My parents later went to the police station to report the encounter. Okwa maka next time. You see kidnap and paedophilia joined together?? Don’t play with eet o.

Umunne’m as the Nigerian economy is almost considering to take a plunge into the lagoon, some people are getting more creative by the day, in their survival tactics.
A friend of mine was kidnapped and asked to pay 10k ransom. She priced the ransom o. Babe ended up bailing herself with 3k. for real, there’s hunger in the land.
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Why I’m I even telling you people this sef? Well as a result of the incident, I lost some weight.  yaay! I’m no longer fat. You think I’m joking? Dey there Na. Until someone bumps into your house and wrongly accuses your Dad of kidnap and paedophilia. The Kain fear and goose bumps wey go hijack your body system ehn, all your calories go just burn in a rush. No be joke o.

Una Good Morning.

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