Wakaabouts Of Penocrat: As You Lay Your Bed

Hello, welcome to the blog this Tuesday morning, today is the day for another edition of our regular Wakaabouts of Penocrat with our regular columnist Penocrat. The series has been running for a while now,  but here and here are a few of the interesting ones you can read. Today, her rant is about relationships and I am sure you will enjoy it as usual.

 While having lunch with Mr. XYZ, I noticed some people drive into the same eat-out. They alighted. Two Aunties and one ugly Uncle. The uncle was just talking and laughing with reckless abandon, and one of them ladies was excruciatingly trying to humor him.  On the other hand, the second lady was in front. Walking very fast! Very beautiful! You know that ‘I am not part of you people’ kinda walk?  Ehen! That wan.

You need to see the way Fine Aunty was just throwing step with her long leg o. For a minute, I was forced to think my eyes were deceiving me. Like she wasn’t with them. She even came in and sat down at a distant table, while the other two also came in and sat at a table very close to us.Then the guy beckoned on herand pointed to a chair very close to him:

” Mummy’m, that ya shair is too far na. O tekwanu ezigbo aka. Coman enter inside this wan near me and sidan.”

Although Uncle’s grammar threw us off balance, Enter inside chair kwa! Well, we still maintained. Immediately, we abandoned our food and focused on Aunty. Gist is highly important biko. That is what happens when two journalists are together. Aproko will just be hungering the two of you anyhow. Tufia!
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First of all, Aunty pretended not to hear Uncle. Then she scanned the entire environment to make sure nobody noticed anything, before proceeding to Uncle’s table. While she was approaching our table, Uncle started again;

“Bia, why did you gaan sit in that far place na? Is hungry not kashing you? Biko mekwa osiiso. Let me eat and getarway. Abeg what are you eating?”

Good man! Very caring somebody. Aunty ignored him again. She sat down and pretended to scratch her hair. Uncle turned to her friend. “Erm… Mary Ezigbo mmadu, please which food can you finish? Ya friend like shakara ehn!!!! Ehen! I don’t like waste o. So buy food wey you can finish for Nigeria to move forward. ” Then he laughed out very loudly. So loud that Aunty cringed.

He brought out his ATM card, and turned to Aunty again. “Bia , is like this hungry is nor kashing you. Ngwa, let all of us gaan order what we can finish, before aguru e gbuo mmadu here!”

“No. I don’t need to go to the counter. I just need rice and water.” Aunty reply quietly.

Apparently, Uncle didn’t hear her. So he turned to her and screamed loudly;” I si gini?” Aunty didn’t reply again. She brought out her phone and started pressing.

Her friend now replied him.” Biko Nna, order godi anyi two plates of rice and five alive with glasses. Enwere ife anyi na akpa ebe a.” Uncle left.

The Aunty started attacking her friend in Igbo. For her mind, XYZ and yours truly no dey hear the language na. As per we dey communicate for pidgin. XYZ kuku resemble Yoruba demon sef. She was like;” Bia Mary, shey you see how he is embarrassing me outside. I don’t like this o. I told you. I told you I don’t like going out with this man. He talks anyhow. He knows he can’t even speak English, yet he wouldn’t keep quiet in public. I’m finished. I’m ashamed. Ifele e megbuo ekwensu! If only I didn’t get pregnant”

Mary laughed so hard. “Ehen…I was hungry and he’s a nice man who wants to buy me lunch na. Besides, you’re pregnant and you guys are engaged. You can’t hide him for too long. You just have to find how to do it o. After all, he toasted you and you agreed. He’s a nice man. He’s not poor too. He gives you enough money. That should console you. Man no dey ugly o. At least this wan like you. She replied in Igbo.
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Kweke o!!!! Hay God!
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Actually, we sensed the whole stuff. The whole embarrassment thing. We only wanted to confirm if she was doing what we were thinking. Aunty looked at the man where he was buying food. He was pricing them and laughing very loudly with the vendors. Very cheerful!
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“This shicken you people are sold for 800 naira is small o! If I add small money, full shicken don land for my house gbagam! enter pot by himself sef. Gahahahagahagahahagahahagaha! ” The laughter was epic. Everyone turned again to uncle’s direction, causing Aunty to bury her head in shame.
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Funny enough, Uncle wasn’t even forming patriarchy. He brought their meals. Positioned it very well on the table, urged them to eat, and went back to bring his. Then came to the table to balance very well and loosen his belt to make way for his food
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” Ehen! What are you people saying na. You people should add me inside talk na. Ehn! Eezit not all of us that come to this place together to chop? Don’t leave me outside o.”
Then he exposed his entire teeth and started laughing crazily again till the people eating began stealing glances at him again.

With the way and manner uncle washed his hand and attacked his fufu, Aunty almost fainted. Very violent! I also got afraid. you need to see the way he was swallowing the thing. Very big moulds! And when he opens his mouth to dump it in, one would think there’s a well in there. I felt sorry for Aunty small sha.
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He turned again to Aunty and smiled. Aunty smiled painfully in return. Then he tried to kiss her cheeks, and aunty almost passed out in shock. He looked at Mary and laughed!

“No mind me o. Na so I dey chop when hungry wire me. I no dey look face. The soup get weight sha. Uru dia!”

Okay, this time I really cringed. For real. XYZ was a bit shocked too.But then , it was none of my business. She laid her bed. Now she should lie on it, zealously!

Okay, I perfectly understand that Uncle is lousy and ugly, and Aunty is beautiful and sophisticated, but why marry or get involved with someone you’re not proud to associate with in the public eye?
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Here in Nigeria, a lot of people get involved with people they aren’t proud of. People they don’t want to be caught dead with, outside.
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I’ve seen lovers who rarely go for a stroll together. And when they have to walk in public, they behave like they’re not together.
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A lot of people become cheerless when they’re with their partners. They feel very embarrassed to even introduce them to friends. They prefer flirting with other people’s partners. But they know how to knack or collect money from them. It’s fucking crazy!
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Money isn’t everything! Look out for presentability! Marrying a person that is not presentable to your taste, is a very big recipe for disaster.
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This is why I can’t marry a short man. I’m already short.TO ME, it feels awkward having two short people walk the streets together. Eez more like a play play sontin. I know world people will coman say I’m vain now, but who cares gaan?? You’re short , I’m short. What’s that???? Na competition?
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You can call me vain o. But I’m only taking my Dad’s advice. My daddy will always say;
“Ugo don’t get involved with any Kain person o. Get involved with someone you can end up with tomorrow and without regrets, peradventure anything happens.”
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But then again, if you’re out there, and you’ve made your choice, stick with it! Find a way around it! Don’t come out and start behaving like you were hoodwinked. Ees nor me that swear for you. So long as he LOVES you, you can work something out. If he can’t speak English, get him a private tutor. Encourage him, and correct him gently. Don’t gaan show yourself too much o. He will just change it for you. Trust illiterates
If he eats like a prisoner or refugee, talk to him about it. He’s a human being.Tell him the benefits of eating slowly. Correct gently. Before he will gaan change it for you.
My hand no dey o. Don’t call my name. If he’s too ugly for your liking, get him face caps! Make him dress in a way that he’s gonna need them.
Get yourself sun glasses too. That’s if you’re bothered about people staring at you in public. If you can eat his money, then you can deal with it! Shikena!

This kain advice I’m even giving this morning sef. Iswao! WTF??? How do you guys even knack sef? Do you cover his face with an handkerchief? Do you gag his leaking mouth or something??? Una dey try abeg.

Abeg lemme carry myself and be going joor. Its too early for aproko. Una good morning o!

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