Wakaabouts Of Penocrat:The Clingy Vine

Hello folks, thanks for always joining us on  our regular column the Wakaabouts of Penocrat, with our resident smartass, Penocrat. Today Penocrat rants about a common kind of man that a woman is likely going to run into in her relationships. You will enjoy it as usual.

Recently at a salon, I encountered a woman who stopped by for a face beat. Honestly, she effortlessly conformed to all notions of beauty and attraction. See shape! See height! See skin! See face! Omo, even as a lady I was “tripping”. I didn’t know when my mouth betrayed me like Kemen, and I went: “Ha! Madam, if I was half as beautiful as you, I would never spend my money on makeup.” She smiled and replied “Thank you. But if you know wetin i dey face because of this nonsense fine ehn, mtcheew.”
Then, I got to realize that she teaches at a small primary school very close to her house, because her husband feels getting a proper job, will make other men “snatch” her from him. Again, the school pays peanuts, but that was the only choice ‘Oga’ gave her, after much begging and crying. At least,It was better than getting killed indoors by boredom.
A woman who was a banker before marriage??? Adongerit! How did she get to this point? Funny enough, she said she can’t do anything about her situation, because she gat kids already. Her only hope are the prayer requests which she sends weekly to a nearby church, via her neighbor.

Yekpa! Oga wouldn’t even let her go by herself. Nobody Shu “chuk” eye inside his wife’s beauty, even Ukochukwu. Because he may see her now, forget prayer and start shining Congo

I literally started having goose pimples when I noticed the salon was a stone throw away from her house, and ‘Oga’ still called her phone at intervals to ask about her whereabouts, He would tell her to give the phone to the makeup artiste for confirmation.


Seriously, there is nothing as exhausting and excruciating as getting entangled with someone who’s fraught with insecurity issues. You go taya! I once dated one like that. I refer to them as clingy vines, so let me school you on what to expect, peradventure they have already popped the question.

*They would hover around you and monopolize your airspace, not because they love you, but because they feel you might stray” in their absence.
*They are caring, but you must chose between them and ALL your friends. Every “Hi”and “Hello” must be explained. You wave at a parking lot attendant, okwu! You ever attempt to smile at gate man, uka!
*Also, you go turn customer care. You go answer calls sote your phone go dey hot like pressing iron.
* Your phone must be perused. All calls and messages must be accounted for.
* Lastly, get ready for Jamb Questions too o! ” Baby do you still love me?”, ” Baby are you cheating on me?” “Baby why are you dressed like this?”

Baby nkea, Baby nke ozo! Taa gbafuo gi! Baby gbuo gi there!

And when you get tired just like I did, sit down one day, to reason the matter. Tell yourself that you can’t have a stalker in boyfriend clothing. Tell yourself that the Devil is a liar from the bottomless pit of hell. Say it three times!
Then activate your Usain Bolt button and flee for dear life. Sare Kaba kaba! With your legs touching the back of your head

And when he calls you to say; ” Baby please don’t leave me, I will change. I need you.”

Tell him, “Mbakwa! Oga, you don’t need me o! You only need your head examined.
Be nice! Advise him to Get a psychiatrist or a therapist, or any “ist” of his choice. Who Kias?


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