Wakaabouts Of Penocrat: This Church Matter Sha

Hello folks, thanks for joining us this tuesday morning on our regular column Wakaabouts of Penocrat, where our regular irreverent smartest Penocrat always has something to share on life and living. Today she is talking about the convergence and divergence of religious beliefs and marriage. You will enjoy it as usual.


Today, our neighbor and his wife had a very serious fight. Azzin, big one o. The smelling man used his hand to slap out blood from the woman’s mouth. Trust women na! Aunty started shouting calling on Ogun and Sango and Obatala and every other gods of her land to punish uncle in Jesus name.

My parents told us to remain indoors while they go ånd settle fight. For wia! Me that like gist pass food? Abia! Umunn’em na kristi, as they left,na so I pass back follow them o.
Popsy almost died of heart attack when he noticed I was even present at the ‘event centre’ before him. So trust me na, I began to inquire ånd enquire. Whathappun??? Kilode? Kilagbe Kilaju?

Na so madam begin explain o. She married uncle as å Catholic. After marriage, uncle told her that as å married woman she has to start following him to his church. Afterall he is the head of the house ånd she is just the neck. Å neck has no choice. Aunty agreed. She changed her church to Uncle’s church.

While madam was still getting used to Uncle’s new generational church, Uncle came back again one fateful day to inform madam that he has seen the light. As a matter of fact, he encountered å prophetess of the most high who revealed to him the root of his problems. She also promised to eradicate it with the substances in her church, if only he can be their member.

So uncle happily informed wifey that he had changed to this white garment church, and that he has even contacted å highly spiritual tailor who will come and take their measurements for their new church uniform, so that they can be fit to appear before the most high and be dedicated to his service on Sunday morning.

At first aunty thought it was a joke, but when the tailor arrived, she ran mad! She insulted the tailor and vowed that her children will never wear white to church. Uncle tried to force her. But it appeared aunty was battle ready. So the tailor advised him to just sew white for himself and his kids, but as for aunty, she will be dragged to church on Sunday, where the holy water and cane will be administered on her. Uncle eventually sewed white for himself and the children. This morning Aunty dressed up to go to her own church. She’s å worker. Na so uncle intercept am begin beat am o. Sote blood commot for her mouth.

People of God! Wonders shall never end!

Well, while my dad was shouting at the nonsense man for laying his smelly hands on his wife, me. I was just in one corner, sympathizing with Aunty. How does one go frøm Orthodox to Pentecostal and Pentecostal to White? See different levels of long jump! Because of marriage. Hian!.

As I was still sympathizing my sympathizing, na so another shapeless neighbour who was on her way to church, stopped and began to advise Aunty. In her words;

” You see men? They have ego. Don’t shout at them. What you would have done as a woman is to obey your husband first! Obey him. There is power in obedience! When you must have sewed your white and gone to the church for like two or three times, then you can now object quietly. Give him reasons why you cant continue. Don’t be stubborn. You are å woman. Nwanyi enweghi church! Your husband is your head. His church is your church. The head cannot go and leave the neck at home. Now look at how devil has manipulated you into making him beat you. Go to the same church with your husband so that you people can think alike spiritually. There is power in obedience! “.

I looked at this shapeless woman. Words failed me. At that moment I wished I possessed magical powers. I wish I could slap sense into her fluffy head spiritually. I wished my eyes could shoot fireballs. I wish my eyes could fold her into å ball. I wished å lot of things. I still wish though. But with the way I hissed aloud ånd even eyed her, I’m sure that will dø for now.

Uncle was still shouting that it is good for å man and his wife to be recieving from one altar. Altar kee you dia!

Dear Religious bullies,

I hate unfortunate people. With all my heart.

Nekwa anya! Nwanyi were church!
In the constitution there’s freedom of worship!
Everyone has å right. Marriage doesnt translate into slavery!

Yes! Its very cool for å man ånd his wife to attend the same church, but let such å decision come from the woman’s heart. Talk it over!

Religion is a very personal issue. It is not something that can be decided for an adult. Let her decide. You can only convince her to attend your church. But she has to decide.

Bending backwards is å choice. For those of you who are reasoning with your kidneys,

Worshipping in the same church is no guarantee that a marriage will last!

I have seen Atheist marriages.
I have seen Christians marry Muslims.
Eventually, it boils down to tolerance and compatibility.

See ehn, this is the main reason why I enjoy some of my Sundays at home.

Just look at me that is å church ashewo. Tomorrow one unfortunate man will now come to bully me into attending one church, when he knows I cant survive such. Or maybe he will be jumping like frog from one church to another and then expect me to be doing the frog jump with him abi? Thunder!

I wee just kee persin!

Some people are just naturally stupid. You call yourself a christian and youre beating another person’s child for not going to your church. You, go to her own church na! Shebi Ees one Jah all of us are worshipping?  Better still you people shu kuku find one neutral church or secret cult and join. Let everybody rest.

I’m still waiting for the man that will coman pull such å stupid stunt on me. Me that have shamelessly been flaunting my church ashewo status since? Thunder will just design your third leg in a very unimaginable manner!

Bullying your wife into accepting to go to your church will not bring about uniformity in reasoning or decision making.
Las las, it will just bring about uniformity in Sunday activities. Finito!

Una Happy Sunday o.

One thought on “Wakaabouts Of Penocrat: This Church Matter Sha

  1. 🤣🤣 you won’t lee person ooo…lmao. But the truth also is that being born in a catholic home doesn’t make one a Catholic. Same applies to other denominations. I always advice that once a person is matured enough to make trivial decisions on their own, they have the right to choose another place of worship outside the one they’ve known from childbirth. Christianity, eternity and life in itself is a personal race. It’s you who will live with the consequences of your choices and decisions. Meanwhile, repent from being a church ashawo ooo 😂


Leave a Reply