Wakaabouts Of Penocrat: Last name Wahala

Well, this not-too-bad guy from Edo state, strolled into my inbox and we got talking about the whole marriage thingy. Guy tells me he loves me. I dance shaku shaku in my mind. He says he adores my personality too. According to him, I look cool headed. I’m funny. smart. Witty, and appealing too. I agree.

Okay since he said I was appealing, I decided to appeal to him that I will like to keep my maiden name. I didn’t want to bring the whole nonperson talk into the matter. You know this days, any small thing, everybody will shout feminism. People will soon tag those imaginary animals that keep swallowing money in this country as feminists too.

Bottom line: I gave him reasons.

Firstly, his surname is really long and heavy in the mouth. And I can’t imagine myself in future, walking about with a name I can barely pronounce or write. It’s unfair na. You know all those Edo names that begin with ‘Ose, and the rest is speaking in tongues Abi? Ehen. That type. Osezele something something sha.

Aha! My father also birthed four girls. I am his favorite. He says I was supposed to be a boy until he made the mistake of travelling down to the village with pregnant mum one December like that, and village people used jazz to change my sex in my mommy’s tummy. No wonder I was a tomboy that year. Kai!

After all my reasons, Oga Refused. He said NO. Because he’s a Christian, and he’s against anything that doesn’t tally with the Bible. His Bible says:”And the Two shall become one…” So if I’m not ready to become one with him by bearing his name, then I’m not ready for marriage. What then is the joy of me being his wife? How else will people know I’m now married to him? The two must become one or not. Full stop!

“Err… But the Bible didn’t say which of the two na. It just wrote two. Which means two can be anybody. Either you or me. Anybody can become one. Since my surname is shorter. Just six letters. OKPARA. Kuku join me to bear it together in love na. “I suggested.

Potential husband started accusing me of trying to turn the Bible upside down. He called me an Antichrist. Though he added laughter emojis. But the spirit ministered to me that É pain am.

” Peno Biblically, men are the ones who marry women. Drop feminism. ” he said.

“Uncle, Habatically! But the Bible says a man shall leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife na. Cleaving means you might lose a certain part of your identity. It’s just like when Limca bottling company became a part of Coca-Cola bottling company. It’s still Limca o. But whenever Coca-Cola want to list their various products, they go:Fanta, coke, sprite, Eva water, and Limca. Coca-Cola was on its own and Limca cleaved to it.
So kini big deal

And that was how uncle stopped chatting.
I don do hello hello taya. No reply.

Three out of the other four persons waiting to be interviewed are looking really ugly. I have to consider my unborn kids. I can’t heap ugliness on my girls especially. It would kill their self esteem. If na the boys, once they hustle they’ll be fine. And there’s no guarantee that the girls won’t resemble their Dad. I look like mine, after all.

The profile picture of the fourth guy is looking like obituary. He looks tall quite alright, but he’s too thin. No! I refuse to give birth to tooth picks. Kai!

Wo, is like I will leave this husband matter for now. Let me go and beg my mummy. I need time. If she refuses, we’ll do it the hard way.
Her husband. My father.
If everybody must go to their husband’s house in August, then everybody must go back to their father’s house too.

A spade is a spade. Not a tablespoon.

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