The Wakaabouts of Penocrat: Woman Wahala

Guest writer Penocrat returns to the blog this week, and her piece today is a  funny blast from the past. Read laugh and have fun

I woke up this morning feeling very ‘unproud’ of myself. I have done really cringe-worthy things in this life

One of them happened some years back, when I travelled down to see my elder sister at her school. I had just finished writing that annoying Jamb exam. In other words, I was only an Ewu Jambito.  My sister who was then an undergraduate, shared a flat with one cute , fair and fragile looking Alvan guy; a course mate, who also doubled as a chronic womanizer.  Aside the fact that I noticed Alvan was a community dick, my sister warned me to avoid him like a plague. According to her; he spells trouble. But then again, I decided to leave wetin them write for motor enter motor.

From exchange of pleasantries, Alvan would put on his generator, so he could help me charge my phone. I discovered he read a lot too. He also had many books. Books he lent me at will. Such a good boy! I grew quite fond of him.  But most importantly, he began to introduce me to his numerous girlfriends, as his baby sister who’d just completed her secondary education.  Normally, each of his numerous girlfriends came visiting with delicacies, meant just for Alvan, but as soon as these babes got to know, I was Alvan’s younger sister, my story changed. The food flasks doubled.

I started eating like a king. Vegetable soup and chicken, plantain porridge, fried rice, almighty jollof, name it! Most of them even went as far as preparing Abacha( African salad),loaded with fish and pomo. See sufferhead!


Also, breakfast was superb. Alvan had a ‘stand by’ girlfriend, who always came around to epp us toast bread and ‘do’ beta pap, covered in Peak Milk as waters cover the sea. God! That particular aunty was wonderful! At a point, she even bought me earrings and sandals. In return for this benefits, Alvan made sure I convince each and everyone of the girls that they were his main chick and he loved them.  I also became his security/protocol officer… Once Alvan was inside with another woman, no other woman enters the flat. I will boldly tell you to go, that Alvan my brother, was not at home. Then, for those oversabi ones that want to stay, clean up the house, and cook him surprise meals, I will hit them with the “I need to run an urgent errand for my brother, who has warned me never to leave his house unlocked” line.  Kpatakpata, I go lock house, cross gate, go sidown for one aboki shop like that, till the oversabi wife material leaves.

My sister noticed my parole with Alvan, warned me again, and even threatened to send me back home. But did I listen? Akuko!  Sister that does not have generator.  Sister that cannot toast bread and do milky way pap for me.  Sister that is never around till evening. Na only she get lectures. In short, they built the entire school for her sake. Sister that won’t even buy books for me to read.  Sister that cannot cook vegetable soup for me.
Biko, is that wan sister? Mtcheew!

So, just like they say in Game of Thrones, one day, winter came. That day, Alvan was indoors with one skinny lady, and as usual, I was at the main door to ward off any other Aunty that might come around. Then my village people struck. I started feeling sleepy. I waited and waited. No Aunty came to interrupt Alvan’s honey moon, so I went back to my sister’s room to sleep.
I woke up to very loud screams and abuses. I ran out to see two ladies at each other’s throats, in Alvan’s room. Shouts of ashewo, olosho, bitch, fucker leave my man alone, etc. rented the air. There was nothing I didn’t hear that day.  The fat one was like; “So na my man magic stick you don dey chop since abi? ” Hay God! How did this fat Aunty slip under my watch? I asked myself. Kai! Nawa o.
Before I knew what was happening, the skinny babe who was indoors with Alvan, threw caution to the wind, and landed a mighty atomic slap on the fluffy cheeks of the huge babe, who gatecrashed into the house, She then warned her to stay the fuck away from her baby boy.
Immediately, the big statued lady retaliated. She pegged the skinny babe against the wall with one of her fat hands, tore her clothes, dragged her weave and started dealing her serious blows. The skinny one later got a hold of her face and started clawing at it mercilessly. I was terrified. When I saw how that big lady was pounding the skinny one ehn, I feared for Alvan’s safety. WWE gat nothing on this one.

“God please don’t let that big lady touch him. He’s too fragile. He would die .” I prayed.

Just then, Alvan ran out of the house, and into my sister’s room, with four packs of Noddles in his hands. He was panting heavily. I followed suit. He locked the door and pulled down the curtains. I thought he was going to scold me but he didn’t. Instead, he asked me if I’ve had lunch. I said no. He sneaked into the kitchen and brought the camp gas and a small pot. Then he started making the Noddles.  “Alvan, people are fighting in your house!” I screamed. “Ehn! Let them fight na.  All those ones wey don chop belle full? I’m hungry joor. Are you not also hungry? or do you want me to go out there, so they’ll kill me on an empty stomach shey? ” He replied.

Before we knew it, two other ladies had joined them. One of them was Ada; the one that normally makes breakfast for us. She came to my sister’s room to knock and call my name. As per familiarity levels na. Taa! I went dumb o. Other ladies followed suit. They were looking for Alvan, and screaming his name and mine. For where!  Me and Alvan were inside room having lunch.
Then the worst happened…. My sister returned from school, earlier than normal, and was shocked. She screamed my name and came to knock. I kept quiet. She called my phone. I didn’t pick up. Alvan told me to remain quiet and finish my food. She kept shouting; “Ayo, I know you’re inside. Open this door. You’re going home today! ” for where? See lockup!

The ladies started reporting me to my sister. They addressed me as Alvan’s baby sister. When my sister told them I was her sister and not Alvan’s, they couldn’t believe this ears. That big one started shouting again.” That small girl must cry this afternoon. Except say she no go come out.” When I heard that, I imagined the huge lady slapping me, and cringed. I called my sister on the phone and started begging her to Epp me. My sister ran upstairs, called her landlord’s son, who was her friend at that time. Emeka came down with some boys and ordered the girls to vacate the apartment.

The next day, I was bundled back to Asaba. All my ‘Abeg ‘ fell on deaf ears. I and Alvan said our goodbyes. He’s no longer in Nigeria. Probably, he has gone to continue his sexcapades, in another country.

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