Guest Writer: The Wakaabouts of Penocrat

Hello, folks thanks for joining me on the blog today as always.  I recently met this young lady, Penocrat Ayomide Kindness, an editor at the Delta State Broadcasting Service, on Facebook.When we got talking and I looked up her profile and her timeline  I found out that she is highly opinionated and liked to write about stuff. I decided I liked her witty and irreverent, yet sensible opinion on social issues. Fortunately she also felt happy to share her work with me. Thus from time to time, she will be sharing some of her stuff on the blog. Today in her very first post she talks about her “deliverance” experience. I am sure you will enjoy reading her.

“Ugo, Guard your head. Don’t allow people touch it. Be them pastors, reverends or prophets. If you’re not convinced in your heart, never submit yourself for laying of hands. Never! People transfer all sorts of rubbish from their lives, into the lives of others through that single means.”
This were my father’s words, every morning to me. He also advised my siblings individually too. Then, every morning before our school bus arrived, Popsy would place his hands on our heads and pray for us. According to him, there was nothing as strong as the prayers/blessings of a father on his kids. Despite the fact that we attended a Christian primary school, where prayers, fasting, anointing services and bible study were part of the timetable, we avoided queueing up with other kids for anointing.

But one day, I and my nonsense sister fell prey. Our proprietress invited our neighbour- Apostle Samson, who was then a General overseer of One Faith Ministries, to come to our school to pray for us and to anoint us as well. Na so me and my sister see Apostle, and went to queue for anointing because we thought it was neighbor things. There was nothing my brother didn’t do to stop us.
“Jewel!!! Ayo!!! Shebi daddy said nobody should collect anointing abi? I will tell for two of you! You people should be collecting anointing o! Be collecting! Daddy will flog all your bumbum today!” For where? Village people? Tufiakwa! They didn’t even allow us to hear the voice of reason. We went ahead and got anointed by Apostle anyway. That day in the evening, my brother reported us to Daddy after we don beg the mumu boy tire! I even offered to dash him my food money the following day. Hmmm. Still, the cow reported.😢
When the gist got to my Daddy’s ears, he couldn’t control his anger. “Apostle Samson, that has four wives in different places? No way! So you people want to contact the spirit of polygamy? Chukwuemeka get me my cane!” My cow of a brother dashed into the room and returned with the largest cane in the house. My papa beat us that day ehn! chei! I saw heaven and hell. To say we saw pepper, was a hype to people that have seen pepper. We saw more than that. From that day, you see anything anointing? I’ve been very careful. If I don’t understand you? biko carry your anointing and be going. Ees not a by force kini.

                                             *****MAJOR FAST FORWARD*************

Around 2013, a friend of mine invited me to thanksgiving in her church. She said she had just survived an auto accident. Well, me Na church ashewo Na, so nothing spoil. Besides I considered her a close friend. Friendship is one of my undoings.  I can vote on people for Africa. It’s crazy tho. Because these same people may not reciprocate the love. That day, at exactly 9:20 am, I was at her church with another friend. I looked around, I wasn’t understanding the environment. My friend sef was in front. Then an usher welcomed us to their ‘deliverance service’, and escorted us to our seats. Hian! Deliverance bawo? I thought this geh said thanksgiving! Abi I didn’t hear well? Olorun oba o!😥

My friend looked at me too. She was like; “that your Ngozika friend isn’t a straightforward person. Let’s leave this place.” “Ah! Noooo. We just got here Na. It’s somehow. Let’s sha stay small” I replied. Just Then, their prophet shouted; “Alice!!!!” One woman jumped up from her seat and ran to the altar. Prophet continued; “You have been married for three years but no fruit. Is that right?”

” YESAH!” the woman screamed.  Prophet laid his left hands on the woman, ” It is from your mother! Na your mama dey do you!” Then he gave her a very mighty slap on her chest, and shouted; “Oya Take it!”  The next thing I saw was the woman crashing to the ground with her legs in the air. The wrapping skirt wey she wear sef don loose. Ushers come dey run around. They tied her legs together with a big scarf and covered her with a banner of a just concluded program. Hian!! This church prophet is aggressive o. I was telling my friend. That wan no kuku answer me. Shebi she talk say make we go since I no gree.

Then the prophet started walking around the church, touching people’s heads and slapping their chests. Ha! God abeg o. I was frightened. I told my friend to pray so that the man no go see us. My friend made matters worse. She was like; “for where? As we yellow like this with all this loud makeup and no scarf on top head? We are collecting that slap today. Thank God say my breast no big. Ayo, you go hear am!”

As we were gisting, I looked up; prophet was approaching our line of seats. Worst be say, my eyes and him own come jam. Na so I tap my friend, we run go the other line of seat. All these while people were observing us. Prophet sef know say we dey run. When there was no other seat to run to, I told my friend that we should stay put. When he comes, I will make him understand that I don’t want deliverance or anointing. She too will do same. Last last, prophet came to our seat. He wanted to lay hands on my friend, the girl shifted out of fear. That wan kain fear pass me ehn! So I started shouting on top of my tiny voice because of the sounds emitting from the speakers.

” Sir we are not interested. We are visitors. We don’t want deliverance and anointing. Ees thanksgiving we came to do! Abeg just leave us laidis. Abeg ” For where! Prophet no send us o. He even said we are the ones that need it most. We are the ones he had been waiting for, apparently, because we were oyibo in complexion with plenty makeup and no scarf, so na marine spirit things o.😂
When I saw that prophet wasn’t listening to my ‘abeg’ I activated Plan B. I tapped my friend. Running things on point. I cannot coman chop slap for nothing. Na to run remain o. Na so me and my friend tear race commot for church. As I was running. The next thing I heard was;

“Stop there! Thou unclean spirit. I command you to stop!”

I look back, usher don catch my friend. So na me be the unclean spirit? Oya na! Make I hear say I stop. Stop say who die? I intensified my speed till I was out of that church. Me that can fear slap?  My friend suffer that day ehn. According to her, they laid hands on her head, turned her around. Like 360 degrees, for three consecutive times, gave her two hot slaps on her small chest and made sure she fell down, prophet kept pushing her head. She had no choice but to fall. Headache is real. Moreover, she hates drugs.
She cried ehn. Her clothes were messed up. Me sef pity am. At first, I was wondering how they caught her because her legs are quite long. Then I discovered I wore a jumpsuit and she wore a flowing gown. You know that operation sweep the nation gown? Ehen! That one. So as she was running, the evil gown tripped her. She fell, and one very fat and overzealous usher caught her like a baby. My nonsense Ngozika friend come dey carry face for me o. She was like” Ayomide I wasn’t expecting that from you.”
.Ha! See person that tricked me to church in the name of thanksgiving. Someone that saw me in church and couldn’t even come to acknowledge my presence as her friend and a first timer. Someone that allowed her prophet to pursue me from pillar to post because of by force deliverance? Why is she turning the tables? am I, not the one that is supposed to be vexed? Hian! Aye le o!

 Penocrat Ayomide Kindness wants you to find her on Facebook so that she can share one or more of her opinions with you.

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