We all like to enjoy a good movie,  once in a while or in some cases all the time. However some people often take the movies  way too serious than they should. Today’s piece counsels that movies are just a form of entertainment and just like Alcohol, you should never let them influence the way you think or behave because they will literally ruin your life, here are four of the ways they do it

If what  they say  that a picture is worth a thousand words is true . Then this should say it all


Ok I give up

This however is a minor problem, because anybody with a basic level understanding of English should not have be affected by this particular problem. But then it gets more serious

The point of every movie regardless of origin is conflict, and the people that resolve these conflicts. To resolve movie conflicts, Hollywood has people like this guy



But because we Nigerians are much more godfearing, therefore we turn to God who can be a Christian a Muslim or a Traditional Religion God. But whatever his persuasion, Nollywood seem to firmly believe he generally behaves like this guy.


Really! I'm flattered

Again this attitude is rather silly, given that anyone who has ever bothered to consult any of the religious books knows that the real God is not bound by time, unlike the Nollywood God who has a strict two hour deadline to pull the required rabbit out of his humongous hat. However it seems that the gospel of the Nollywood God is spreading into the real world these days, just listen to the increasing number of crusades and revivals and the “instant” breakthroughs and healings that have become their bywords.
   To their credit, some men of God try to reiterate that you can’t rush God and that patience is still a virture. But Nollywood tends to ignore this kind of  “slow” God, so instead we have an increasing number of people consulting Babalawos, whose gods are as fast acting as a pain reliever, rather than the merciful Christian God. Years of Nollywood have managed to convince some people that Ifa priests can see everything( like the Opele is like a webcam or something), even the things you do in your bathroom. I believe God is omnipresent and all that, but there is something quite creepy about a voyeuristic God or god who places a webcam in your room so that he can snitch about you to the pastor or imam or babalawo. Well just my thoughts.


Spying on you since forever

And then there is the question of money rituals. Nollywood is breeding a generation of youths who seem to think that it is plausible that you can go to a Babalawo who would provide you with a human ATM  who would vomit money for you at will. While I will not argue that human sacrifice is a thing, but given that it is illegal to have a mint, human or otherwise in your private residence, I am wondering how a Babalawo can pull it off successfully. You can colour me naive but every wealthy person I know made their money from doing some form of work ( of course getting into a political position where you can steal money counts as work as well). They might have had some spiritual “aid” but I am positive that none of them have personal ATMs in their private residences. Given the way that Nollywood portrays Babalawos one would think they should be the richest people in the country ( ironically it is the pastors who are cruising the private jets).
The question is how many more people are going to be duped by faith healers because  they took the God of Jack Bauer more seriously than they should?
Not only is a Nollywood god a fast acting god, he also has a large and varied bag of tricks. I mean I get that God can heal every sickness and disease but isn’t Nollywood taking it too far?  Your daughter has an unhealthy obsession with dick? Take her to God, is someone suffering from illicit drug induced madness? Take him to God is he generally being an asshole or bully? Take him to God


What do you mean what I need is a good Ifa priest? Something must be wrong with your head

One wonders how a God can be so mean as to make someone remain in horrible pains when a simple C- section could have done the trick. Given the simple solution that Nollywood has devised for the problem, one can only wonder why brothels and police cells and asylums are still filling up inspite of the numerous Camps and Prayer mountains that we see every time we turn around.
The best way to illustrate this is the recent incursion of Ebola  into Nigeria, Naturally we were all called to pray, but  If not for the brave doctors who put their lives on line, it is doubtful whether prayers would have covered the dead bodies we would  have been knee deep in, and the case of Governors and Presidents currently exchanging diss tracks over who stopped Ebola would have been the least of our worries. Still does anybody ever bother to tell the Nollywood God that some things are meant to be left for Caesar and not interfered with?


Dear God please don't come near this guy we like him as he is. Thanks

We have digging at Nollywood since, here’s one for Hollywood buffs as well.

How many 12 year olds do you know that  look like this?


Is not by my power o ! is God o

Or how many 14 year  olds look like this?


See this perv o? You are stalking me and my sister abi?

If you don’t know many, it is not that social skills are lacking, it is because Maisie Williams who plays Arya Stark ,12 is actually 17 while Sophie Turner who plays Sansa Stark ,14 is actually 18. In essence apart from the tons of of make up they use to cover up their defects, Hollywood is cheating is actually cheating in order to create the ideal teenager look. How many 12 year olds are going to have self esteem issues because they don’t have the trim and tidy Arya get up. or how many 14 year olds are going to to end up emotional wrecks because they are in a losing battle against an18 year old whom Hollywood is lying that she is 14.
  Well given that women are early bloomers the discrepancy is not so much, It is even worse for men. For example


Aka Everyone's favourite bastard

This guy is 20 but Kit Harrington who plays him is 28. Why in heaven can’t Nollywood find a 20 year old actor to play a 20 year old.(at least it assures me that I am normal, because I was starting to wonder why a 20 year old gets more ass than I do). It seems that Hollywood knows the the physical and cognitive limitations of humans at certain ages but they just mean to destroy your self esteem. So to any eighteen year olds looking  to cultivate the Jon Snow look and it is not working out, it is not cos you have sinned against God it is because  you are up against unfair competition
  So what have we learnt today? If movies were a person. They would be this guy


If na swaggu 2Chainz no go near me

He may be totally cool, and likeable, and popular  but his behaviour will totally put you in trouble if you try to emulate him.


    1. That actors on screen are not real people that one can aspire to be like, it is all trying to create an ideal, real life is not an ideal situation so unlike actors no one can be perfect

  1. Absolutely wonky article but I get your point :). Another case in point is the Vampire Diaries; you’ll see an avid 30 year old fan trying to imitate Elena Gilbert or Caroline Forbes – ladies who were portrayed as teenegers/young adults.

    That said, the part about the movie god sha is somehow because of the timeline that exists within the movie itself. It’s two hours but it’s not two hours. But then again, trying to dissect this post would be futile because it’s not really about a series of points (though it appears so), but a general idea I quite agree with. Nice one

    1. Thanks for reading the post and getting the message. I was rather afraid that readers will miss the humour, which is actually the main point of the piece. I must admit it does sound like an academic treatise though. I have to really work on my style of writing humour.

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