Genre: Superhero, Action, Adventure
Director: Zack Snyder
Production Companies: DC Comics, Warner Bros
Initial release: November 17 2017
Running Time: 120 Minutes
Thoughtivity’s Rating: 5 out of 10 stars
I went into the screening room hoping that Wonderwoman would not be a one off, that DC could actually deliver something as good. I was wrong, and I should have realized that I was asking for too much. I know I shouldn’t be asking a superhero movie to give me a coherent, nuanced, interesting story rather than another “generic madman with generic shadowy army wants to destroy the world, and it is up to our heroes to stop him” tripe that I have seen in 427 000 movies this year (seriously what is wrong with all these villains? our earth in beautiful y’all, why are you all always trying to destroy it? If you destroy our world, where else are you going to get strawberry ice cream, and that bomb ass Nigerian party jollof? Seriously come to Ibadan let me take you to a few places to eat Amala and Gbegiri you will stop all that nonsense about destroying the world), but at least I want to see some consistent internal logic in the movie. What are the superheroes’ strengths? Is Wonder Woman ( more on her later) a speedster or not (you can’t simply have her blocking bullets from an automatic rifle in one scene and then struggling to catch up with her own sword twenty minutes later)? Does the Flash move in real time or not (how does Batman manage to catch him with that rope in the final act when according to what we know about the Flash, Batman shouldn’t be able to see him?) If the Flash is that fast, shouldn’t he be beating Steppenwolf all on his own? (One day I will write the piece on how chronically underrated and underused Speedsters are in Superhero movies)? How does Cyborg manage to hack into Batman’s electronic systems anyway? Does he have internet virus powers too? How come a billionaire techie vigilante like Batman doesn’t know about something as simple as a firewall or a password? Let me stop on these ones for now. I have at least fifty questions on Cyborg alone, but if I go on I will probably spend this whole review asking questions about the movie’s internal logic and nothing else.
It is interesting how DC managed to undercut and shit on the premises of two of their own movies. First of all, weren’t Batman and Superman bantering like friends at the end of BatmanVSuperman? Didn’t Batman help save Superman’s mother from kidnappers? So where did all this nonsense tension about Superman suddenly wanting to kill Batman come from? Which kind of selective amnesia makes you remember that someone was trying to kill you, yet makes you conveniently forget that said person saved “Martha” from kidnappers? Dear Zack Snyder stop having your movie characters ask each other if they bleed. It was stupid in BatmanVSuperman, it is still stupid here. Don’t do that nonsense again or else thunder will just fire you until you start bleeding. Now I can understand why anybody might want to get rid of whatever association they have with BatmanVSuperman, it is trash bin material after all. What I don’t get is why someone will want to piss on what is arguably one the best movies that DC have made in years, decades even. Diana Prince kicked Doomsday’s ass in BatmanVSuperman, she had the whole Wonderwoman movie to show just how badass she was, but what do we have here, a damsel in distress, who does nothing but kill a bunch of generic henchmen, and is now essentially Batman’s girlfriend and sounding board (Alfred even makes the joke). Way to go Zack Snyder, people are probably going to accuse you of sexism now. Can’t say you don’t deserve it though. Also, is there a more overrated group of people than the Amazons of Themiscyra? How the hell did they survive for 5000 years? We keep hearing the stories of how badass they are, yet they keep getting their asses handed to them in the first act by every Tom, Dick and Harry who invades them. We will likely ever know, but perhaps relying on arrows and spears when you know that your enemies have nuclear weapons has something to do with it. Also a word on the parademon army that Steppenwolf brings, for the 1000th movie in a row, we are introduced to a generic army of mooks with a fearsome backstory, only for all of them to be taken out with a bunch of superheroes with guns, and forks, and swords, and even bare hands later. Dear Zack Snyder you are not doing me, it is yourself you are doing.
If there is anything that Justice League has taught us, it is that comic book and comic book adaptation screenwriters still have problem with how to write Superman, especially one that fits into superhero team up like the Justice League. The question is do we need a Justice League if we have a Jesus Christ analogue Superman who can kick every everybody else’s ass, at the same time, while looking only mildly constipated? It is a sign of what future justice League movies will look like. Expect screenwriters to hand Superman bigger idiot balls and fake deaths, so that he doesn’t resolve the plot in five minutes flat.
That said, every editor who participated in editing this movie should be lined up and shot. Or perhaps don’t give your summer blockbuster movie to the gap year intern to edit for you. A lot of the scenes were cut together without any kind of context whatsoever. This was the kind of editing that made BatmanVSuperman, the dumpster fire that it was, it seems DC did something okay for a change with Wonderwoman, then crapped all over it again with Justice League. Now a word on Batman. How many other people think post alcoholic, divorced, busted up Ben Affleck who can’t seem to bend at the waist and moves like a He Man doll (google that reference) doesn’t just look right as Batman? Just me then. And one more word for Zack Snyder, you teased with a Batman vs Superman fight, it ended up being rubbish, we are not interested in another Superman versus The Flash race, tell that nice gap year intern to throw anything related into it into the trash bin. Show of hands if you found Ezra Miller’s constant talking extremely grating. Oh! Not just me then.
All in all, it isn’t as if Justice League is a terrible movie. I enjoyed it in spite of the gaps in internal movie consistency, and the atrocious editing. Perhaps I was just expecting too much from it after the refreshing change that was Wonderwoman. Justice League doesn’t change the soft spot I have for DC. So y’all go watch the movie (like who am I kidding, y’all are going to anyway).