Being friend zoned is never easy on any guy, but it is an opportunity to learn a lot of things. A few years ago, I was friend zoned by a girl, whom I’ll call Kate A, for the purpose of this piece. She had a boyfriend then, I was single, we were close confidants, so close she was literally my sister and I was her brother. I must confess that it was very awkward; I had to sacrifice my sense of dignity for her. I was shunted aside when her boyfriend came around, and my guy friends gave me grief on it to no end, calling me all sorts of names. I was miserable, I hated the fact that she never took my proposition serious, I liked her as a sister, yet I wanted her as a lover and yet I hated her for not realizing my awesomeness, all at the same time. Sadly, we no longer talk now, it wasn’t anything any of us did, we just sort of drifted apart. My years in the friend zone notwithstanding, I can’t say I know how women think, I still don’t and I doubt if I’ll ever do. People think it is the friend zoned guys that do the nice things for ladies, while the jerks mostly treat them like shit. This is not totally true.  My name is Adebayo and these are five of the things I learnt by being in a girl’s friend zone. The following experiences are mine and mine alone, so if you’ve had other experiences you can share them

1. I became a narcissistic, condescending, lying, hypocrite
   I wanted the same things from Kate that the jerk she was dating wanted, He just happened to know how to wind her like a toy better than I could, which was why I ended up in the friend zone in the first place. But I had to keep convincing myself that he was the Neanderthal baboon who didn’t appreciate a beautiful and intelligent lady and was treating her like shit, while I was the “noble” and “nice” guy who treats her like a real woman, so I had a natural reason to disdain him. I kept lying to myself that I all had for her was good intentions, while in the deepest recesses of my heart I knew all I  wanted was the same opportunity to treat her like her “jerk” boyfriend, only I had to settle for being her “bestie”. It got worse, I began to disdain Kate herself, I felt she was a naive young girl, who had a poor taste in guys. I started to regard her as a retard, who doesn’t know what is good for her (or she would have fallen for me instead of the dick she fell for), I started to believe that it was my responsibility to guide her. it didn’t help either that her older brother  kept making statements along the lines of  “I know with Bayo around her, we don’t have anything to fear”  I took on the role of a pillar or a crutch for her life, as if I wasn’t there she won’t be able to function normally. 

Then there was the matter of her boyfriend treating her like shit, whenever she comes to me in tears and with a litany of complaints, I  console her and say the soothing things  like “don’t worry dear, it  going to be alright, just give him time, he’ll change.” But in my heart I’m thinking “of course you deserve to be treated like shit because you are an idiot for dating that douche instead of Me, Mr Nice guy, who will treat you right.” Basically you are thinking the same thing that the jerk is thinking about her. (That she’s only a harebrained idiot) Even worse, while she already suspects what the jerk is thinking, but she will never suspect you are thinking the same thing too, because you are the nice guy who is only supposed to think pleasant thoughts.  In essence you have turned into a Judas, an hypocritical and condescending bastard, a two-faced liar, because to stay in her friend zone you have to make a show of appreciating the things she loves, and sharing her pain  but in the deep dark part of your mind you are gloating over her suffering because of the way she friend zoned you, so you smile, and pretend and never reveal what you are thinking to the person you call your best friend .

2. I became a worse human being than the arsehole I was competing with
   The deeper into the friend zone you get, the more sociopathic you become.  Kate introduced me to her boyfriend, the Homo erectus who beat me to her heart. We both smiled at each other and pretended all was well. Then later, I found incontrovertible evidence that he was cheating on her, but I couldn’t tell her, because doing so would break her heart, and I was supposed to be the Mr nice guy who would never hurt her. Even if I ratted out on him to Kate, there are chances she wouldn’t believe me, because any halfwit knows that when love is the air, friends are usually the first casualties, and friend zoned guys are even at greater risk.  Even if she believed me and broke up with the guy, she would still go right ahead to date another jerk, which means in the end I would have gained nothing, except a reputation as a gossip, and a needless enemy (the guy I ratted on).  So I shut up and pretended all was well, while ironically I was more or less colluding with a guy I hated, to play the girl I claimed was my best friend,  and that’s the same guy I’m supposed to protect her from.
And then there was another darker reason, I actually kind of wanted him to keep hurting her so that she could keep coming  to cry to me and lean on my shoulder. In essence I had become like one of those Dementors in Harry Potter who feeds on the grief and pain of others. Like a drug addict, I hated what I was doing but I could not live without it. I was just as callous and psychopathic as the guy I felt morally and intellectually superior to.  I was her best friend and close confidant, yet I did not want to see her happy, because who the hell needs a guy in the friend zone when they are happy?

3. I learnt skills for life in marriage (or I hope I did)
   Recently I was chatting with a married friend of mine (who doesn’t know of my affair with Kate) about his married life.  He said:  “a jerk may make a super cool boyfriend, but he’ll never make a good husband. Marriage is the highest degree of friend zone you can find yourself in. When I was dating my wife, she was afraid to rock the boat,now that she has the ring, she nags me about my attitude to no end.” He sighed as he continued  “I have to do all the things that friend zoned guys do now, the “petty” things like helping her cook and helping her select clothes to wear, whether I like it or not. Now I have to get used to hearing her grumble if I buy her something she doesn’t like. Let me give you one example, some nights I come home from work so fagged out that she could walk about the house stark naked, and I would be too exhausted to give a shit. The truth is when you are married, those things that makes a girl run after a bad boy would become boring, it is the kind things that friend zoned guys do that  helps a marriage survive.” After that discussion I went home and studied my own parents, after thirty years and five children together, they had become sort of siblings, always sniping at each other and arguing, like a brother and sister who were tired of each other but who knew they had nobody else but each other. She is now in his “mother” zone and he is in her “father” zone.  I hope my married friend’s assessment is correct, because it would be consolation that I had learnt something from being friend zoned. But if it turns out he didn’t tell me the whole story, then you can probably colour me stupid, because it means I may have just spent a time I was supposed to use to learn life skills, as a doormat.

  4. I learnt confidence and self esteem
     Remember that time when your crush glancing at you from across the classroom made you shit your pants?  Turns out we all have those kinds of moments. But instead of me going the normal route, the one of older guys telling you what they did to become the badasses they are (while glossing over the numerous times the methods failed to work) I went the other route of being friend zoned. Through Kate I saw the female at her most vulnerable point, I saw her weak, and cringing with love for the jerk she was dating, and the mystique surrounding women was gone. I grilled her on the sly about what the jerk did to capture her heart and I added to the repertoire of skills I used to deal with women
And a lack of respect for women
      The truth is that human beings are rarely perfect, but we try to be when we are with people we are crazy about. However when you are in the friend zone, you are seeing her as she really is and believe me, that shit is unpleasant. The jerk doesn’t care about her feelings, so if he notices a fault from her, he tells her straight up, and she tries to change,   but she is revealing worse things to you and you can’t say anything about it because (1.) you don’t want to hurt her feelings, (2.) She won’t take you seriously. People take shit from people they are in love with, but not from their friends.  This is hardly logical, but that’s the way it is. Even if you are in her “gay” zone that she undresses in front of you she still knows you are a guy and she is still sees you like her bonehead boyfriend, just a more accessible version(that’s why she’ll get jealous of your other female friends, because she feels they will turn you to a jerk too). No matter how close you two are, you will never fully understand her (hell my parents have been married for thirty years, my dad can’t still say he knows everything about my mom), so you still have to tread carefully. So while you are all fluffy bunny and nice guy to her, inwardly you are shaking your head and thinking of how irrational and petty she is, that is if you have any self respect.  In my own case what drew me to her was her unusual intelligence, (she was a straight A’s student, extremely articulate and a deep thinker), but when I came nearer to her I discovered she was no different from other girls, that was absolutely disappointing and I suspected that was why we ended up drifting apart, either that or she finally realized that I was becoming sociopathic and just blew me off

5.  We should all have that girl we are in the friend zone with
     Of course what is the opposite of the friend zoned guy? The jerk, so if you are not the friend zoned guy, you are the jerk. Believe me  behaving like a jerk, won’t get you very far with women, one day she will wise up and call out your  bullshit, but if you are in the friend zone, you will maintain a spell over her, that is if your sense of double dealing and diplomacy doesn’t give out.  Keep at it long enough and you can get anything you want out of her, even sex, I have seen it before.

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